Why Do You Feel Guilty As A Brown Girl
Career? Check
Size Zero figure? Check
Marriage? Check
Children? Check
Sound familiar? It’s the script from the production “The Ideal Brown Girl,” which was handed to us at birth where the brown girl's guilt takes centre stage. This is the guilt trip express that stops at every milestone where you dare to follow your dreams instead of conforming to societal expectations.
Because God forbid you add your own lines to the script or, rewrite the whole darn thing?
To this day, I still remember the train wreck that was my high school experience. Everyone in my class was attending school, going to tutoring classes and studying twice the amount for the final exams. The irony was that the only people who were more competitive than the students were the parents. According to our parents, every luxury in our life depended on our academic performance. Doing well, in their opinion, was a one-way ticket to getting into an engineering college and scoring a placement with a great salary!
Let us add a dash of humour to this heavy plot-line, shall we? Because, really, who knew that pursuing your passion could be so scandalous?
In the grand production of the “Ideal Brown Girl,” the plot twist was when I dared to break character and say I had no interest or aptitude in biology and had a strong inclination towards the Arts. Cue the drama from everyone in my life including my family, relatives, neighbours, acquaintances and people who met me in passing. To add insult to injury someone said to me “You are going to pursue arts? I guess you just want to be a homemaker and have kids!” This derogatory comment not only insinuated that the passion of those who pursued arts is unambitious but also that the love and hard work that mothers and homemakers put into managing a family is useless. It's like auditioning for a reality show where judgmental aunties hold up scorecards, grading your life choices.
"Oh, pursuing a career in psychology? 5 out of 10, beta. Should've gone for engineering."
Career and Education are just a couple of scenes in the plot line of “The Ideal Brown Girl.” This plot would not be complete without the deadly villain to self-esteem, “Body Shaming.” My sister and I are beautiful, brown-skinned girls and we have always tried to carry ourselves to the best of our ability. However, people have always compared the colour of our skin and made one of us feel inferior and the other guilty for being fairer. Speaking of body shaming; this rant would not be complete without the mention of the villain's side kick “Weight,” which is the favourite topic of every passerby!
Whether an acquaintance remembers to say “Hi” or not they will never shy away from telling you that you look plumper since last Diwali. Size zero is the norm, starvation is encouraged, and all other body types are the symbol for gluttony.
For the romantic plot line of this production, the expectations are sky-high! Arranged marriages are preferred and dating is frowned upon! Regardless of your preference, it is like picking between the devil and the deep sea! Let’s say you are daring and date outside your culture, religion or decide to explore your sexual preferences? Well, brace yourself for the storm of disapproving looks and comments. However, you do not spare yourself judgement if you go down the route of an arranged marriage you; In fact, you sign yourself up for a classic roast where your entire family history, resume, personality, height weight, features, dressing style, astrology is grilled and evaluated under a microscope!
Say you do weather the storm of judgement and get married, cue the entrance of the grey character to the plot, “Unsolicited Advice.” Everyone under the sky whether married, unmarried, young or old will question you about having kids. And if as a couple you decide to wait a couple of years to have kids or to not have kids, all hell will break loose. As women, the scrutiny is harsh, because the understanding that you are content with other things in life like career travelling or simply being with your spouse is unimaginable to most people and spine-chilling comments about the ability to bear kids are immediate.
An important role of the ideal brown woman in the plot is the unspoken responsibility of juggling multiple roles as a daughter, girlfriend, wife, mother, daughter-in-in-law, careerist and the list goes on!
While men must automatically be breadwinners to hold respect in family and society, women have the burden of being the perfect wives and mothers with the careers that they were badgered to work hard for suddenly becoming expendable to male ambition.
In the dilemma and guilt that a brown women goes through in juggling these responsibilities men are not the only bashers, in fact even when they are extremely supportive, other women in the family whether it is the mothers, mother-in law or aunts have the misguided notion that.
“We went through this as well in our time, that’s just the way things work for women!”
This spiteful and antagonistic attitude of a few women because they had to swallow a bitter pill in the past is a deadly hindrance to the progress of feminism and takes us back several notches in our battle against the chauvinists in the world!
The storyline of “The Ideal Brown Girl” is essentially a Bollywood dance number of balancing societal expectations, family traditions and religious beliefs where the steps are never too clear. While there are highs and lows in a life of a brown girl there is a silver lining. Would I ever want to trade the rich culture and traditions we come from? Never! Yes, there is a scope for improvement to a few cultural practices and the guilt is a long lasting friend to keep up with the expectations but every society and culture has their pros and cons.
Dealing with this guilt is a matter of sipping your chai and taking a moment away from the white noise of expectations and advice.
Take the time to figure out what you truly want regardless of what anyone says as it is easy to give into the “herd behaviour” and follow the crowd.
Ask yourself 10 years from now will I be able to recognize myself if I blindly follow the script given to me?
Because honestly who gave people the right to play judge, jury and executor of your life? Don’t hesitate from questioning the script, if not conformity will be the writer who sets things in stone in your life! Exploring the culture and understanding the logic behind traditions is important to make decisions. Setting boundaries and talking about it to open minded individuals is key to dealing with the guilt.
So, my fellow brown girls, let's embrace the chaos, dance to the beat of our own dhol, and remember that brown girl guilt is just a dramatic subplot in the epic saga of our lives. Break free, write your own script, and let's turn this guilt trip into a guilt-free comedy that even Bollywood would be proud of.
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