Feeling Guilt as a Man of Color: Addressing Brown Men's Emotions
Brown Mens Emotions #guilt.
It was a cousin's sleepover when one of the cousins suggested to play ‘Never have I Ever’. As most of you would know, it is a game of drinking where players take turns making statement about things they have never done, and those who had done that specific thing before, takes a drink. Everyone was taking their turn when one player made a statement about ‘never have I ever been guilty of expressing my emotions'. To my surprise, almost all of the cousins took a sip from their drinks, signifying that they have all been guilty for it at some point in their life, and from among everyone, most people who drank, were my male cousins.
This sparked a conversation, away from game, of what else have they been guilty for in their lives. The answers that I heard that night made me realize that brown men feel more guilt than any other emotion in their entire lives. Whether it's falling short of the required grades for admission to engineering, law, or medical college, or not securing a 100,000 package in their initial job, men of colour often experience a persistent sense of guilt about various aspects of their lives.
The conversation then directed towards questioning why brown men often feel guilt. Some suggested that it is because of how they were raised, some said that it was because they had more responsibilities towards family as men, but overall, it was concluded that the major guilt stems from not being like the neighbour's son aka ‘Sharma ji ka beta’, who, by the way, is the most ideal boy every brown parent can wish for.
For all of you who are not familiar with who Sharma ji ka beta is, let me give you a brief insight in his day-to-day life. He wakes up at 6 in the morning, drinks the entire glass of milk, eats his cereal, takes a shower, lets his mother do his hair, wear knee length socks, and goes off to school. At school, he sits at the front bench, straight A’s in every class, is the prefect, president, vice-president of his school. After he comes back home, he helps his mother in the kitchen, sits with his father and does his math homework (which he is perfect at, by the way), has his dinner and goes to bed at 8 in the night. This kid grows up to become the most successful engineer in the entire world, also has a degree in medicine and is a lawyer part-time. He has 3 cars, has bought a house for his parents on the west coast and owns a business, all by the age of 23 (and still lets his mother do his hair). Also, he is planning to buy a plot soon on the moon!
Now, this guy, is who our brown boys are up against. Every time our boys are any less than Sharma ji ka beta, they are guilty. Be it in school, college or even real-life, this comparison is what keeps our boys guilty all the time. To be successful, at a young age, start making money, being independent and providing for their families seems to be the tip of the mountain where the boys are headed at.
It is only when they reach the tip, they realize, it was just the beginning.
The constant comparison and the fear of failure along with not being allowed to show any emotions, makes brown boys guilt driven. Since guilt is the only emotion that can be accepted from a man, every other emotion is eaten up and all they are left with, is guilt!
It is because of the constant comparison and the framework of ‘perfect boy’ set by our society is what pushes them to keep striving for more and makes them uneasy all the time. Until they earn more and become successful, they are in guilt for not reaching at their set standard. Once they become successful, they are in guilt of not having enough time for their families. If they decide to spend some time with their families, they realize they have lost a lot of time working and they are left behind in the journey of their families, and they end up being guilty of not knowing their families anymore.
Meeting their friends too often? Guilty for always partying. Not meeting friends at all? Guilty for being the ‘busy’ friend. Spending too much time at work? guilty for always being absent at home. Not spending time at work? Guilty for not working harder. The endless loop of trying to escape the feeling of guilt is what is pushing our boys more into guilt.
Men used to go to war back in the days”. Well, who says there are not at war right now? They are. Constantly. Every minute of the day. And guess who they are fighting? Themselves.
They are at a war in which they are losing in every scenario. The constant need to be someone else in every aspect of life is tiresome. Not being able to show your feelings is hard. The feeling of never being enough is draining. This is the war which they were sent to the first time they were told “Why can’t you be more like him?”. The first time they were asked to suck up their tears and “Be a man”. The first time they were told to take charge and be responsible. Ever since that first time, there is a thirst to be better, to be someone else, to achieve higher and set benchmarks. But what if you are not able to do all of it? Right, be guilty then!
Guilt is an emotion that can be constructive too, at times. It can help us do better in life and change patterns from our old habits to define a better future. That being said, guilt can also set you back in many ways. It is a feeling that can make us feel incomplete and unsatisfied. Therefore, it is very important to identify the true guilt and false guilt.
True guilt is the guilt that arises when a person violates their moral and ethical principles and fails to live up to personal standards. This guilt can actually serve as a valuable emotional signal, that will help individuals reflect upon their behaviour, take responsibilities and work towards changing it for better that will help in fostering personal growth.
False guilt, on the other hand, arises when an individual feels guilty without committing an actual offense, (e.g., not being like Sharma ji ka beta). This type of guilt is strong, is usually driven by irrational thoughts, distorted beliefs and an exaggerated sense of responsibility for events beyond their control. This type of guilt makes people feel undeserving blame, shame and the feeling of not being enough, all the time. This type of guilt is influenced by perfectionism, unrealistic expectations and societal pressures. It often involves self-criticism and may lead to unnecessary self-punishment.
Addressing these false guilts is difficult because it involves challenging your thoughts and beliefs.
So how do we deal with it? Well, the most important aspect is to develop self-awareness. To learn and remember that we are in control of only OUR actions, is an art, honestly. But with practice, anyone can be an artist. So, next time if you are doubtful about how true or false your guilt is, try making a list about what all could YOU have done for the situation to be any different. If your list ends before it starts, well, pretty self-explanatory that your thoughts are the problem and not you!
Mindfulness and Acceptance –
I know, mindfulness, meditation, breathing techniques sounds stupid. Talking to yourself sounds funny. But have you tried it? If you have, were you consistent with it? Try doing this for a week and see if talking to yourself and telling yourself ‘You are enough’ is working or not. And even if it doesn't, what's at stake? Even if you think it's stupid, who is watching?
Might as well give it a shot and change your way of thinking for better? Practicing mindfulness can help in observing our thoughts and patterns without judgement and accepting who we are and what we are capable of can have a balanced and realistic perspective that will help to break out of the loop of constant guilt.
Setting boundaries –
Life saving hack! Say no. Say, I don't want this. Say, I don't agree. Say, this is unhealthy. Setting boundaries and learning to say no, when necessary, can help to prevent the accumulation of unnecessary guilt associated with taking too many responsibilities. Set. Your. Boundaries. And see how the negativity just bounces off. Sometimes, it is as simple as saying no!
Addressing false guilt involves a combination of self-reflection, challenging distorted beliefs of perfectionism, and adopting healthier coping mechanisms. It is years and years of feeling incompetent, less and not enough, so it is not going to change overnight.
But it is a start. Brown boys have started to learn that showing emotions is not wrong, that feelings are not ‘unmanly’, that loving and caring is not feminine. Its time our boys also start accepting that Sharma ji ka beta is also depressed, has anxiety, still wakes up in the night with thoughts of doing better and buying that plot on the moon still doesn't make him feel at home!
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